Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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