I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
