I wish my penis had an off switch
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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