I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
