I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
