i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
