I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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