Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
