the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize