That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
