i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
