im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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