Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
