i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
