i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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