420 ftw
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
