My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize