Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize