Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
