Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
