dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize