Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
