I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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