Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
