True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
being pregnant is like rehab
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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