she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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