I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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