After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My cat gives me a boner
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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