mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
