I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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