This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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