I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
