FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
