I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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