After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
