I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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