This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my shit smells like andre
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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