I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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