Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
