It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
