She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
