If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
