I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
