He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
