I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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