I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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