i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
this boner is exhausting
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
