Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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