I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
