I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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