you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
