I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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