Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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