remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
