Can Purell be used as lube?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize