Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
