The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
