No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
