the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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