Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dicks are not precious.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
