you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
