I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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